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Medical manoeuvres in the dark <in progress>


1. The Benton Slam

Do you deserve a Benton Slam? Probably not. Because Benton Slams are not to be thrown around willy nilly. They are reserved for truly special achievements. If you have cleared the deck after being handed over 15 waiting to be seen when you started your nightshift, you get a Benton Slam. If you are two nurses short, you've done the drug round, changed Mr Smith, placated the irate family, calculated your inotrope doses & still managed to eat and water yourself, you get a Benton Slam. If you've diagnosed Ablepharon-Macrostomia Syndrome using only your sense of smell and a rolled up newspaper, you get a Benton Slam. If you've just saved a life by fixing a leaking AAA before your boss arrives - well done, you get the slam of all slams and you might be Peter Benton himself.

You do not slam if you managed a tricky cannula or got two packets of crisps by accident from the vending machine. Slamming is not a joke. It is a holy sacrament from Peter Benton, under His eye. You do not slam just for japes. Praise be.

To adequately slam, you cannot be wearing a white coat. Initially the powers that be ruled one needed to be in scrubs but in 2011 a non-scrub wearing doctor achieved a slammable achievement for the first time in history, so it's been broadened. You must be in a hospital corridor (GP surgeries are no slam zones) and you MUST have an audience.

2. The Greene Lean

The Greene Lean is an altogether different beast, just as Mark Greene occupied an altogether different role in the ER. He was the supportive face, the calming presence and heart of gold. The Greene Lean is a manoeuvre of reassurance, authority and serene benevolence. When you see the lean, you know you're in safe hands and that all is right in the world. As a result, this is really a move reserved for more senior members of staff. But use it wisely, if you can't live up to the man, don't lean in his shoes.

3. The Claire Stare

A recent Lancet paper found that 98.4% of all male doctors over the age of 35 in the UK would leave their wives and children in a heartbeat for Claire Maitland. Not so well known outside the UK, Cardiac Arrest is a cult medical TV show from the 90s and Claire...*sigh*...Claire was its icy, brilliant, ballbusting, sexy as hell star. Everyone else in the world would get to know Helen Baxendale as Ross's cute English fiancée Emily in Friends, but to a generation of cardiganed GPs they fantasised about her jerking them off in a linen cupboard and chucking them into the corridor (series 1).

The Claire Stare is when some meaningless noise is being emitted by a total chump who is absolutely positively wasting your time. If you cannot even bring yourself down to their level because you fear you might actually cause yourself irreparable brain damage, you deploy The Stare. It conveys what words cannot, that the only emotion you are capable of mustering for this excuse of a human that stands in front of you is complete disdain. They are left in no doubt whatsoever that what they had said to provoke The Stare was unmitigated nonsense.

#ER #BentonSlam #GreeneLean #TV

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© Rohin Francis